“I am very lucky to have had him in my life. He was always there to say the right things, to hold me, to brush my hair away from my face, to kiss me softly in the rain. He was the light in the darkness, the soft blanket that enveloped me in the cold night. The flicker of hope for someone who was long past believing in something. Or someone. He never failed to make me laugh or smile. I could never be mad at him for longer than five minutes. He was my best friend, my first love. I-”
Breathe in a shuddering breath
“I never hoped this day would come.”
Wipe away the single tear gliding down your cheek
“I remember all the times we were together. Sneaking out to lie under a tree at the very middle of a massive grass field. He would have his arm around me while we were staring up at the sky and I would say something like how beautiful the night sky was and he would joke around about how it was weird that everyone talked about how pretty the stars were when they were already dead and I would reply with beauty is infinite and he would look down and say I know.”
Close eyes and let yourself enter the memory
“We would lie like that for hours. Me wrapped up in his coat with his warm arms tight and secure around me, my head nestled in the crook of his neck.”
Back to reality, open eyes
“We had so many wonderful moments together and so many more that we should’ve had. I know nothing lasts forever. I guess, I guess I just wished it didn’t have to end so soon. No, I don’t believe in heaven but I do believe there is somewhere we all go when we... die. Different for every person I guess. Somewhere you can be at peace and visit anyone you want to.”
Bite lip
“It isn’t fair for someone to be ripped from your lives on such short notice. All it takes is five careless seconds for someone to smash into you full force with the front of their car. Crushing you into oblivion. You may think that only one person dies in the crash there, but that is a lie.”
Clench fists
“By killing one person you kill a bit of anyone who is or ever was close to them. A part of their heart dies with the person you killed.”
Unclench fists
“There is no excuse for taking someone’s life away. Drunk driving, drugs, car crash, murder, drowning, there is ALWAYS a reason. Cause and effect. Just because you didn’t give them the drug overdose doesn’t mean you didn’t kill them. It might not fully be your fault but you are still a part of the blame. Driving carelessly and hitting someone though is completely and utterly your own fault. You take the full blame. He didn’t deserve to be hit by a car. I didn’t deserve to go through this. But the person who hit him, they deserve to go through all of this pain and more. They need to learn how to control their actions and their life. They need to learn how to feel empty like a black pit is swallowing you whole. They need to learn what it feels like to cry yourself to sleep every night.”
Pause. deep breath. continue.
“And they never will. They might go to jail for a while but they won’t feel the pain of having someone stolen from their life never to be seen again.”
Let the tears fall
“So many times I have called him to realize that he can’t answer his phone. So many times I have walked to his house to see him and remember that he will never set foot outside again. So many times I have ran to the grass field to lie under our tree and watch the stars with him and just break down crying because I will never be held by him again.”
Get a hold of yourself, stand up straight, be strong
“I don’t know how to continue without him. He was my life. He would fix all the pieces of my heart and glue them back together. Whenever anything was going wrong he would be there to help me through it.”
Set foot into the lapping waves of the water
“Without him I’m nothing. I have nothing to live for. There is no one here for me. I don’t have any family, I never talked to anyone at school either.”
Walk further into water, up to the knees
“He was like the ocean to my boat, he supported me and kept me from sinking all this time but with him gone I’m starting to drown again.”
Let the water rush up to your waist
“I’m being pulled down to the very bottom, the depths of the murky waters. I’m so numb I can hardly function. I’m on my way back to him.”
Slide down till water reaches your neck
“I want to go to that place where there is peace, where I can see him again. Where nothing and everything matters all at the same time. I don’t want to be strong anymore. I just want to let go.”
Lower your head into water and don’t ascend.
